My Not So Perfect Family

"Once upon a time there lived a family. The family was a picture of peace and harmony. The parents never disagreed on anything, nor was there cause for conflict. The home was a center of joy and orderliness at all times. Everyone who knew them perceived that they were in fact, a perfect family. ....Indeed, I wish this were my family....

Every family is unique, and has its own combination of strengths and weaknesses. In fact at some point in time, families encounter, stress, transition, and perhaps even conflict. Above all, families become overwhelmed by what seems like an endless upheaval of confrontations, when dealing with work, school, and individual family needs. Fortunately, a majority of families are able to communicate effectively and resolve conflict. Although, there are others, who seem to have difficultly understanding each other. Sadly, my family is one of these. This past week I had the opportunity to do a thorough examination of my "not so perfect family." Overall, my findings indicated various hindrances in communication, and their jaundiced effect on my family. First and foremost, my parents remotely continue to embrace the traditional gender roles of husband and wife. Likewise, my father continues to be the breadwinner, the dominant provider. While my mother is considered to be the caretaker, and the passive nurturer.

Furthermore, my mother has not had a full time job in over thirty years. Therefore, she relies immensely on my father. Unfortunately, this has placed a physical, as well as emotional strain on him. Until last year, my twin sister and I were dependent on our parents. However, now, things have changed, and we no longer have the the indulgences we once acquired. Moreover, at the age of fifty eight, my dad continues to strenuously work as a union Carpenter. As a result, the stress, and apprehension he endures is improbable. To make matters worse, when my father arrives home, he remains despondent, and pessimistic. At times, his melancholy is contagious.

Very rarely there are times, when my family collaborates and spends some quality time together. With this mind, the style I perceive to be most prevalent within my family is passive congenial. Moreover, through observation, I was able to effectively indicate the three cores of communication and satisfaction the conflict styles, the tactics involved in conflict, and conflict management, and the nonverbal and verbal communication that preserves throughout my family. For example, one night at dinner, my mother was badgering my father regarding a previous incident. When suddenly, my father decided to shift the topic on myself. He executed a kitchen sinking strategy, by mentioning to my mother, something I had done in the past. In other words, my father had diverted all consciousness on myself.

Likewise, my father had engaged in unproductive conflict, by means of disconfirming, cross complaining, interruption, and conveying a negative climate. In addition, he had demonstrated several of Thomas and Kilman's avoidance tactics, including; Evasion (implying the problem exists elsewhere, and Topic shift/Kitchen sinking (changing the subject).

Nevertheless, my mother is considered to have a highly critical, imperious, disparaging, and defensive personality. Primarily, at dinner she was concerned with securing the blame on my father, as well as only listening to what she wanted to hear. In fact, I recall her speaking in a negative tone of voice, and consciously stating, "Charlie, your not listening!" Meanwhile, My father sat miserably, glancing down at his dinner plate eating the remains of his beef stew. Above all, he was providing my mother with little or no eye contact.

Similarly, my mother engaged in unproductive conflict, by means of disconfirming, self centeredness, (egocentric ism), selective listening, excessive metacommunication, and negative mispunctualition. Nonetheless, she demonstrated several of Thomas and Kilman's distributive tactics, including; Sarcasm (responding sarcastically), Personal criticism (faults to the other person's character), Blame (attributes the entire conflict to the other person), Prescription (telling the other person what to do), Blemish, and Rejection. Lastly, my mother expressed disagreement with my father.

Overall, I found that at dinner my father used little verbal communication. Where as my mother, spoke profusely, and conveyed a great deal of verbal communication. Indeed, the conflict style that would further explain this family dilemma , would be Competing/Forcing (win-lose).

In general, poor communication seems to be the underlying factor weakening my family. Moreover, this insufficient communication has caused numerous problems. These deterrents include: excessive family conflict, ineffective problem solving, and a significant decrease in emotional support. Therefore, it can be generalized that unhappy family relationships, are the result of negative communication patterns. In all, my parents tend to have difficulty listening to one another. In regards to my family, I had observed several negative communication patterns. These deficient patterns include: unproductive conflict, avoidance and distributive tactics, and a competing/forcing conflict style. In addition, the nonverbal behaviors my parents displayed such as; facial expression, and body language were vague, and indirect.

Overall, through my observation, I was able to understand the various aspects of conflict, and how they constructively alter family relationships. With that being said, I strongly believe several changes need to be exerted in order to decrease conflict in families. Some modifications include: coordinating tasks, negotiating differances, and the abilty to reach closure. In all, if these adjustments were applied by my family, I would acquire what I have been long awaiting for.... a perfect family : )

Communication: The Ultimate Gender Barrier

"Life is really simple, but men insist on making it complicated."

~ Confucius

During the past few years, I have discovered that there are a vast majority of differences among men and women. Whether it be the way they dress, their eating habits, attitude, or even their body language. However, I found the greatest dissimilarity to be the conversational styles presented by men and women in the workplace.

With this in mind, communication between the genders, has become more prevalent, and pervasive in today's society. Research indicates that men and women are socialized differently and have diverse styles of speaking. According to the article, Men and Women Talking on the Job, Tannen mentions that men aim to hold the highest status role, and challenge those who defect these confrontations through increasing authority, and arrogance (73). Nonetheless, Tannen believes women are at a disadvantage, and seem to lack confidence. Likewise, women tend to use greater detail in leading up to the point, and express significant kindliness, affection, and congeniality through self disclosure (73).

Furthermore, Tannen discovered that men are widely observed to come quickly to the point they wish to make, by interrupting the conversation, and through use of assertive language.

Likewise, I agree with Tannen's generalization concerning gender communication in the workplace. Through personal scrutiny, I found Tannen's description to be accurate. Unfortunately, I have seen a great deal Tannen's gender communication patterns throughout my employment. As an intern at the Hyatt Regency Princeton, I have had the opportunity to carefully monitor the conversational styles of the female and male employees. With the help of Professor McManion, I was able to conduct a naturalistic observation of the verbal and nonverbal communication among Hyatt employees. As a result, I had successfully found the various differences in conversational styles between women and men. These disparities were similar to Tannen's findings.

In my observation, I constituted that men who held managerial positions were more self centered, and had developed aggressive strategies in making sure they receive the top positions. As a result, almost every top position at the Hyatt Regency Princeton, such as the General Manager, the Controller,the Director of Sales, the Director of Food and Beverage, the Director of Rooms, and the Director of Engineering are held by men. Moreover, I discovered the men that acquire these high positions, use conversation to negotiate their status and to preserve their dominance, determination, and autonomy. Nevertheless, the females at the Hyatt Regency Princeton obtain the lower positions, such as the Human Resources Coordinator, the Revenues Manager, Assistant Food and Beverage Manager, Front Desk Manager, and the Executive Housekeeper, to name a few. With that being said, these females use dialogue to conciliate closeness, and familiarity.

Lastly, I concluded that the male employees at the Hyatt progress to solutions, and engage in problem solving at the moment. Where as female employees, tend to converse regarding the problem, and try to solve it collaboratively. In addition, the male employees were valued on their performance, and their ability to achieve results. While the female employees were evaluated on their emotional responses, and their means of communicating effectively.

In general, I believe there needs to be a greater awareness concerning the differences in gender communication. This recognition can than succor in eliminating the complications that occur throughout gender communication. These obstacles among men and women in the workplace include; resentment, anxiety, uncertainty, and decreased productivity.

Above all, I feel both sexes need to understand the inherent differences in their conversational styles. With this in mind, several effective strategies can be used to resolute the dilemma in gender communication. For example, a few techniques include: conflict resolution, the acceptance of others perceptions, and the ability to acquire an open mind. Likewise, all of these methods can help in reducing the the gender barrier that is present in the workplace today. Most importantly, they can assist in establishing a desirable work environment not only for males, but for females as well. : )

Change: The Finest Remedy

"Change is the elixir of life, happiness is ours when we respond and adapt with enthusiasm to changes when they appear." ~ Stuart Avery Gold

Each day we continue to experience moments of change. Whether it be drastic or minimal, change comes, and can have a disruptive impact on our daily lives. According to Susie Collins, author of the book Dealing With Change in a Positive Way; she believes unfamiliarity creates challenges when we fail to accept our lives as they are, and do not embrace the alteration to consciously mold our lives into becoming an empowering venue. In other words, change occurs in every moment, whether one is consciously creating change or not, one can utilize that novelty to produce a better futuristic outcome.

As of myself, I strongly believe that there is a valuable lesson contained within every change. Through previous experience, I have learned to embrace change and therefore continue to move forward. Likewise, if I had not taken the incentive to move on and clean house, than I would still be consumed with anxiety, frustration, and most importantly uncertainty. Fortunately, its been almost four years since I transferred to Rider University, and for that I am truly grateful. Before this drastic change, I attended Georgian Court University, a small Catholic Women's College, located in Lakewood, NJ. Furthermore, Georgian Court was like no other College. GCU was founded by the Sisters of Mercy, and offered a comprehensive liberal arts education. Overall, GCU provided a unique atmosphere, with a special concern for women. It was a peculiar place, with its distinctive values, beliefs, and its overemphasis on a matriarchal society. The way I see it Georgian Court portrayed an unrealistic, Utopian world.

From the very first day I arrived at Georgian Court, I realized that this was not the place for me. It offered a falsified vision of life, essentially bashing the male gender. Whether it be in academics, athletics, extra-curricular activities, or even special events, men were prohibited from attending. In all, I felt a great deal of uncertainty, and hesitancy while on campus grounds. I would persistently ask myself: How could they get away with something like this? What type of communication skills are these females going to have when they graduate and have to face men in the workplace? How are these students going to interact effectively with their male coworkers? Thus, I concluded that Georgian Court was providing an inaccurate preparation for the future. It would be impossible to live in the society Georgian Court illustrates because inevitably interaction occurs between both sexes. In addition, I wondered Why were men treated with such animosity? Why was the male gender viewed as a disturbance, and a distraction? I really tried to mold myself into the Georgian Court Community, however I failed in doing so. I was unable to reduce my uncertainty, and increase my predictability. I could not communicate with the individuals at GCU, for reason that, their perception of men conflicted with mine. Unfortunately, Berger's Uncertainty Reduction Theory could not be utilized in my situation. As a result, I had to sustain to this unpleasant experience for an entire year. After that year, I realized I had to break free from the misery and confinement I succumbed to at Georgian Court. Moreover, I had to move on and make a change. I needed to clean house, transfer schools. In all, change would be the best possible remedy for curing this affliction of uncertainty. It was what I wanted, what I needed to do.

A True Inspiration

I can clearly recall that exact day, eleven years ago. It was a typical Saturday morning in October, and my twin sister and I were watching our favorite morning cartoon, X-Men. We were unaware that what we would encounter on that particular day, would change our lives forever. It was about halfway through the show, and the doorbell rang. Almost simultaneously, Caitlin and I got off the coach, and eagerly headed for the front door. Nevertheless, we were surprised to see our older sister Keely, back home from college. Meanwhile, we were unaware of the stranger who proceeded to enter through the doorway, with her. The young man's appearance was far from usual. He was tall, slender, and had hair that reached down to his shoulders; he wore a faded navy blue sweatshirt, straight legged jeans, and filthy white converse sneakers. Nonetheless, his gentleness and kind personality had bewildered my twin sister and I. The young man immediately introduced himself as Chris, "Keely's boyfriend," and from that day on I met the most remarkable individual I have ever known.

As years passed, Chris had become increasingly attached to my family. He would spend almost ever weekend with Keely at our house. As a result, Chris had become a huge part of the family. Most importantly, he had become a great part of my twin sister's and my life. Chris was like a brother to us. His generosity, kindness, and reassurance, were unimaginable. Whenever times got tough in middle school, or in high school, he was there. No matter what the situation would be, Chris would bring a warm, and cheerful presence, into my household. His laughter, happiness, and positive attitude were uncanny. Not one day in my life, had I ever seen him upset, angry, or frustrated. In fact, I had often found myself anxiously awaiting, for the weekend to come, just so I could see him. In an instinct, Chris would make me happy. He was my hero, my inspiration. I recall constantly reassuring, and telling myself, "that everything was going to be alright, because Chris is here."

Within eight years, My twin sister and I shared unforgettable memories with Chris. We confided in him, trusted him, and most importantly grew to love him. In all, Chris was there through the struggles, as well as the many splendid moments in my life. For instance, Chris was there when both of my grandparents passed away, and therefore became a pole bearer at both their funerals. He was there when I won my first tennis tournament, and even my first singles match in high school. Chris was there during both of my elementary, and high school, graduations. He was even there to celebrate my twin sister and my birthday over the past eight years, never failing to bring us a special gift each year. In general, Chris was there for almost every family gathering within the past eight years, including my family's most treasured get together Christmas.

Besides that, later on throughout their relationship, Keely and Chris had purchased a house close by, and were living together. In all, my parents did not approve of Keely cohabiting with her boyfriend. However, this specific situation did not faze them, because it was Chris, and they had trusted him. More importantly, this was considered a joyous comfort for Caitlin and I, because now we would be closer to Chris. He was just a drive away. Thereby, now we were able to see him as much often as we would like. Overall, I feel this was the only time in my life, that all the pieces of my jigsaw puzzle fit together. I was truly happy.

However, soon this would be taken apart, and Keely decided to end her eight year relationship with Chris. Her decision had caused a great deal of emotional pain for my twin sister and I. Keely not only broke Chris's heart, but she had broken mine. She took away the most important part of my life, Chris. Unfortunately, Caitlin and I were faced with the painful realization that we would never see Chris again. We would never once more have the opportunity to spend time with him, ask for his advice, or even laugh with him.

I feel that having to say goodbye to Chris, was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. I remember precisely my last words to him. That day, Caitlin and I slowly headed up the driveway of Keely and Chris’s house. Trying to fight back tears, we noticed Chris was working strenuously in his garage. As we walked into the garage, we noticed that Chris was painting. Chris was working on what he thought needed a finishing touch, before he was to move out. At that moment, Chris sadly looked up to see both Caitlin and I standing in front of him. Before I could say a word, I slowly visualized back to that precious Saturday morning in October, when I met Chris for the first time. Likewise, Caitlin stood by my side, as a sudden look of uncertainty swept across our faces. Who was this guy? What did our sister see in him? Moreover, we had no idea that this individual would have such a profound impact on our lives. As of that day, I learned its foolish to judge one by one's appearance. Because if I did, I would never have understood Chris the way I did. I would have never have known what a true inspiration is.

Sadly, since that moment in the garage, we have neither heard nor seen from Chris. To this day, I still have a tough time accepting the fact that he is gone. I never imagined life without him. Above all, I never realized the emotional impact he had on my life. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Chris and what he has done to me. Through his kind mannerism, and encouragement, Chris had helped me to realize that life is not as bad after all. Furthermore, whenever I feel sad, or even overwhelmed, I just think of the laughter, generosity, and optimism Chris carried with him throughout life. Overall, my dream is to someday meet up with Chris again. However, until then, my jigsaw puzzle remains incomplete. It's still missing its center piece.

Never Stop Climbing......

"Success is not measured by what a man accomplishes, but by the opposition he has encountered and the courage with which he has maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds in." ~ Charles Lindbergh

As years pass, and aspirations fade, each of us need to come to accept the success we achieve, or even fail to achieve. For some, success is satisfactory health, financial prosperity, well-established relationships, and a rewarding career. However, I truly believe success is a gift only one can give to oneself. According to the article "Defining Success," by Emily Battaglia, The only true means of defining success is to characterize it yourself, and not to allow the expectations for success be determined by society (2). In other words, you are responsible and not your circumstances, for where you are in your life. Clearly it's how you choose to perceive your world, your surroundings, and the subsequent choices you make everyday. To me, a successful individual is one who fully appreciates what one has, even if it is not come in abundance.
With that being said, there are several qualities that I believe are associated with success and prosperity. These positive attributes include; joy, contentment, peace of mind, self respect, gratitude, and most importantly, personal pride. Not only is pride a necessity one needs collectively, and individually, but it is one of the many rewards that come with being successful. Through my eyes, pride is having the courage, free-will, and determination, to be the individual one was meant to be. However, I presume that with success comes disadvantages. These setbacks include greediness, selfishness and when more is never enough. Moreover, to continuously fixate on what one does not have, suggests that one does not see future opportunities. I strongly believe that success can not be measured by what one does not have, but by what one has, and what opportunities arise from that. In other words, success is doing the best with what one has.

Without a doubt, success comes within, and only one can determine whether or not one will become successful. In all, I consider success not to be contagious. No-one can determine the success of another. Success and prosperity can only be gained by oneself. Furthermore, what one has at the moment, one has attracted by the individual he or she has become. According to Lorrine Darconte, author of the book "Lessons for Success," success is considered a progressive realization of a worthy ideal, whether it be devoting one's talent and assets to others, overcoming apathy and fear, or giving all one has in return to receive nothing (15).

As I have mentioned earlier, I believe success can only be achieved through self realization and self appreciation. Indeed, I would sacrifice everything and anything to realize that I have achieved success, and someday I hope this realization comes true.

Lastly, I was privileged to be given the opportunity to interview with an individual, who I feel has accomplished far more than I could ever imagine. Not only does this person set a perfect example of what a success is, but she is what I hope to become. Professor Diaz has had a major impact on my life, and how I portray success. I consider her to be one of the most inspirational people I know. Through her self determination, personal pride, and appreciation of life, she posses all the qualities that define success. Most importantly, she believes success is "being able to look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with who you are." In addition, Professor Diaz feels "each day is a new adventure, God only knows what I can do." Above all, I will never forget the interview I had with Professor Diaz that day. Her words were not only encouraging, and inspiring, but I had found what she had said at the very end, to have had the greatest impact on me: " Dev and I know without a doubt, that someday, someone will be interviewing you."

The Real Me

"A dedicated life is a life worth living." ~ Anne Dillard, writer

Somehow, I recall coming across this particular quote quite some years ago, and to this day I can't seem to forget it. Not only has it encouraged me to give my all in life, but it has inspired me to rise to my personal best, in order to succeed and find happiness. Above all, I believe this quote strongly defines who I am as an individual as well as who I aspire to become.
Growing up, I increasingly felt the pressure to excel and be the best. Whether it be in school, or tennis, my parents were continuously pushing me to higher standards. At the time, I was unaware of the great potentials and self determination I really had. However, sadly all I saw was a life of misery, frustration, complication, and uncertainty. I never quite understood why my parents were so hard on me.
Over the years, I would watch my peers and wonder why they did not have to go through what I did. Everything came so easy for them. For some reason, I had to work extra hard to achieve what for others was effortless. It was just not fair. All I wanted was to be someone else. Someone who did not have to spend over five hours a day practicing a topspin forehand, or spend thirty minutes just trying to figure out one simple math problem. In all, all I really wanted was not to be me.
To make matters worse, I have an identical twin sister and we were constantly compared. Through the eyes of my parents, My twin sister and I were considered one person, one identity. Even to this day, my parents view us as "one unit." Although, we may have similar physical characteristics, we posses differant qualities. Particularly, these individual qualities help characterize who we are. Overall, I consider the relationship I have with my parents to be beneficial. I have now come to the realization that the pressure, and high demands, that my parents placed on me, was only to make me a stronger individual. Most importantly, I never thought I would come to notice the strong will and motivation, I have gained from the difficulties I had encountered. As of today, I consider myself to be a strongly determined, assertive, and diligent individual. Most importantly, I believe with personal responsibility, comes personal excellence, and gratification.
In general, my ultimate goal is to improve my self image, in order to create meaning in my life, and in the lives of others. I strongly believe in disciplining myself to do what I know is acceptable, and important. Although, at times it may be difficult and frustrating, I know that by doing this, I will become a stronger individual, and that I will succeed.