"Once upon a time there lived a family. The family was a picture of peace and harmony. The parents never disagreed on anything, nor was there cause for conflict. The home was a center of joy and orderliness at all times. Everyone who knew them perceived that they were in fact, a perfect family. ....Indeed, I wish this were my family....
Every family is unique, and has its own combination of strengths and weaknesses. In fact at some point in time, families encounter, stress, transition, and perhaps even conflict. Above all, families become overwhelmed by what seems like an endless upheaval of confrontations, when dealing with work, school, and individual family needs. Fortunately, a majority of families are able to communicate effectively and resolve conflict. Although, there are others, who seem to have difficultly understanding each other. Sadly, my family is one of these. This past week I had the opportunity to do a thorough examination of my "not so perfect family." Overall, my findings indicated various hindrances in communication, and their jaundiced effect on my family. First and foremost, my parents remotely continue to embrace the traditional gender roles of husband and wife. Likewise, my father continues to be the breadwinner, the dominant provider. While my mother is considered to be the caretaker, and the passive nurturer.
Furthermore, my mother has not had a full time job in over thirty years. Therefore, she relies immensely on my father. Unfortunately, this has placed a physical, as well as emotional strain on him. Until last year, my twin sister and I were dependent on our parents. However, now, things have changed, and we no longer have the the indulgences we once acquired. Moreover, at the age of fifty eight, my dad continues to strenuously work as a union Carpenter. As a result, the stress, and apprehension he endures is improbable. To make matters worse, when my father arrives home, he remains despondent, and pessimistic. At times, his melancholy is contagious.
Very rarely there are times, when my family collaborates and spends some quality time together. With this mind, the style I perceive to be most prevalent within my family is passive congenial. Moreover, through observation, I was able to effectively indicate the three cores of communication and satisfaction the conflict styles, the tactics involved in conflict, and conflict management, and the nonverbal and verbal communication that preserves throughout my family. For example, one night at dinner, my mother was badgering my father regarding a previous incident. When suddenly, my father decided to shift the topic on myself. He executed a kitchen sinking strategy, by mentioning to my mother, something I had done in the past. In other words, my father had diverted all consciousness on myself.
Likewise, my father had engaged in unproductive conflict, by means of disconfirming, cross complaining, interruption, and conveying a negative climate. In addition, he had demonstrated several of Thomas and Kilman's avoidance tactics, including; Evasion (implying the problem exists elsewhere, and Topic shift/Kitchen sinking (changing the subject).
Nevertheless, my mother is considered to have a highly critical, imperious, disparaging, and defensive personality. Primarily, at dinner she was concerned with securing the blame on my father, as well as only listening to what she wanted to hear. In fact, I recall her speaking in a negative tone of voice, and consciously stating, "Charlie, your not listening!" Meanwhile, My father sat miserably, glancing down at his dinner plate eating the remains of his beef stew. Above all, he was providing my mother with little or no eye contact.
Similarly, my mother engaged in unproductive conflict, by means of disconfirming, self centeredness, (egocentric ism), selective listening, excessive metacommunication, and negative mispunctualition. Nonetheless, she demonstrated several of Thomas and Kilman's distributive tactics, including; Sarcasm (responding sarcastically), Personal criticism (faults to the other person's character), Blame (attributes the entire conflict to the other person), Prescription (telling the other person what to do), Blemish, and Rejection. Lastly, my mother expressed disagreement with my father.
Overall, I found that at dinner my father used little verbal communication. Where as my mother, spoke profusely, and conveyed a great deal of verbal communication. Indeed, the conflict style that would further explain this family dilemma , would be Competing/Forcing (win-lose).
In general, poor communication seems to be the underlying factor weakening my family. Moreover, this insufficient communication has caused numerous problems. These deterrents include: excessive family conflict, ineffective problem solving, and a significant decrease in emotional support. Therefore, it can be generalized that unhappy family relationships, are the result of negative communication patterns. In all, my parents tend to have difficulty listening to one another. In regards to my family, I had observed several negative communication patterns. These deficient patterns include: unproductive conflict, avoidance and distributive tactics, and a competing/forcing conflict style. In addition, the nonverbal behaviors my parents displayed such as; facial expression, and body language were vague, and indirect.
Overall, through my observation, I was able to understand the various aspects of conflict, and how they constructively alter family relationships. With that being said, I strongly believe several changes need to be exerted in order to decrease conflict in families. Some modifications include: coordinating tasks, negotiating differances, and the abilty to reach closure. In all, if these adjustments were applied by my family, I would acquire what I have been long awaiting for.... a perfect family : )
